Time to Be Honest...

Okay so here's the thing. God has been speaking to me. This weekend I have been sick. Yesterday morning I was feeling a little better but not 100%, so my parents offered to take the kids to church and let me go back to bed (RC was already at church because he was playing). I had agreed but about a half hour before church started I felt this nagging that I needed to go to church. So I threw on some clothes and headed out the door with the family. I sat through the songs because I just didn't have the energy to stand and sing. They sang You Never Let Go by Matt Redman. I have heard this song before and I love it. Well when we got home the chorus just ran through my head over and over again. I just thought it was because it is a catchy tune that I really like. Then when I went to bed there the song was in my dreams again. I mean every single dream or thought I had in middle of the night there was this song. This morning I woke up singing the song again. And again all morning every time a turn around I find myself singing it.

So heres the truth of it. I feel I need to be completely honest because well the one who I have doubted already knows it because it says, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Psalm 44:21, and it also says in 1 John 3:20b For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. With that being said now it is time to be honest to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I have been going through some pretty nasty storms. I have felt that God left and just flat didn't care. Oh I went through the actions and I would feel him every now and then but oh how quickly I would forget those warm embraces of worship. Satan would whisper in my ear about how lonely I have been. About how I am worthless because I am not serving God and that God couldn't possibly want me anymore because I have been so angry at him. I have been a christian for 21 years now. I accepted Christ when I was 5 years old and have never doubted where I would spend eternity. I know God's love is amazing and I know that without him I couldn't have made it this far. I know that God's love is unconditional and that no matter what I can come home. Oh but heres the thing, even though I know all this I have been so dishonest with myself. I haven't wanted to admit that I was away from God. I didn't want to admit that I was struggling as deeply as I have been. Satan was winning. I wasn't picking up my bible to have my quiet time with my Father. I wasn't going to God in prayer. Oh I do pray with my kids every morning but that had become for their sake not necessarily mine. Like I said I was going through the actions at church and I would feel God right there next to me and I would reach out and touch him and then as soon as the service was over I would jerk my hand back and become even angrier because I felt that he should have never let go and just forced me to stay there. But oh how the truth came up to me. He never lets Go, Through the Calm and Through the Storm. I am the one who has been running and hiding because I didn't want to be honest. I am the one who allowed Satan to insert all those ridiculous thoughts in my head because I wasn't filling my head and my heart with the truth. Even though I didn't feel God I was still right there in his arms and He was just waiting for me to turn around and say "God you are my strength and I will praise you through it all!"

Now I am still not sure how to praise him even when I do get mad but I know now that my first step was this, Being honest with you and mostly with myself. The next has got to be to spend some time on my knees being Gut-wrenchingly honest and let my heart be opened to Him again. Third I HAVE to get back into his word and fill my heart with truths so that there is no more room for the lies that satan tries to fill my heart with.

Do you know what the best thing about all this is? I know without a doubt in my head that God has his arms wide open ready to embrace me and kiss my vomit covered head! I know that without any reservation as to what I have done, or allowed in my head, God has been patiently waiting for me to return home.

I am including the song and I hope that it touches someone else out there like it has touched me! I pray that in my honesty someone else has the Truth revealed to them that we serve an Awesome God who loves us and will NEVER leave us!

Hebrews 13:5 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
What an awesome promise we have from God!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW 'BOUT THEM RAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it The Rays are headed to the World Series!!!!

You can just picture the happy dance I am doing right now!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

GRRRRR! The good and the Bad!

Okay first of all let me start with the good! I got a very special lunch date with a very handsome young man. I took lunch up to my little guy AC. It was really fun. I got to meet one of his best friends and his mom. He is still at the age that he thinks that is really cool.

KAILEY TOOK HER FIRST STEPS!!!! Yes you read that right. My little ladybug at 11 months old (actually 2 days shy of it but anyhow) took her first steps today. Mom and I were sitting on the floor encouraging her to try and sure enough she did! She did it a couple of times and then decided she was bored with it. She cracks me up. She is stubborn (way more stubborn than I have ever been), thick headed (no matter how many times she gets in trouble, if she wants to do it she is gonna do it), and cute as a button! I don't think she's ready to really get going but man oh man she is definitely on her way.

Now for the really frustrating part of tonight. RC has been in Syracuse all week. He was suppose to fly home tonight but as you guessed it that didn't happen. Due to bad weather his flight to Cleveland was delayed over an hour causing him to miss his connection home. So he is stuck in Cleveland and I get stuck sleeping another night alone. Oh not to mention that I get to handle another melt down from my little daddy's boy Andrew. (We have watched Madagascar 6 times because it sings a song about New York and that's where Daddy is.) RC is suppose to now get in tomorrow morning around 10:30am. Lets hope this happens.

And if that wasn't bad enough....

The Tampa Bay Rays are leading the Red Sox 3-1 in the series for the ALCS. The have the opportunity to clinch their position in the World Series if they win tonight. Do they? OH NOOOOOO they blow there 7-0 lead in the bottom of the 7th inning. The Red Sox then proceed to tie it up in the 8th and then win it by 1 in the 9th. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Talk about turning a really amazing day into a kind of sucky one!

Okay so I really need to focus on the positive. So I will celebrate the first two things and think about this...

- Now the kids (all but AC) can go to the airport tomorrow with me to pick up their Daddy! They have always loved going to the airport to pick someone up. They find it really cool to be there to say welcome home and I love you!

- The Rays now have the opportunity to win it for their home crowd. Now the celebration will be even bigger because it will be on our own turf!!!

Okay now that I have that off my chest I am going to go to bed and try and get some sleep. The sooner I go to sleep the sooner my hubby gets home to me!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins

1. October 6th is mine and my hubbies anniversary.
2. Heights scare me!
3. Leaves are falling all around, it's amazing.
4. My favorite horror movie is none because I so don't do horror flicks!!!.
5. 7 yrs as of Monday = good memories.
6. It was a dark and stormy night and I am snuggling on the couch with my honey.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner and a hotel room, tomorrow my plans include alone time with my honey and Sunday, I want to come home watch the Bucs and the Rays win!!!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins Here!!!!