Okay so here's the thing. God has been speaking to me. This weekend I have been sick. Yesterday morning I was feeling a little better but not 100%, so my parents offered to take the kids to church and let me go back to bed (RC was already at church because he was playing). I had agreed but about a half hour before church started I felt this nagging that I needed to go to church. So I threw on some clothes and headed out the door with the family. I sat through the songs because I just didn't have the energy to stand and sing. They sang You Never Let Go by Matt Redman. I have heard this song before and I love it. Well when we got home the chorus just ran through my head over and over again. I just thought it was because it is a catchy tune that I really like. Then when I went to bed there the song was in my dreams again. I mean every single dream or thought I had in middle of the night there was this song. This morning I woke up singing the song again. And again all morning every time a turn around I find myself singing it.
So heres the truth of it. I feel I need to be completely honest because well the one who I have doubted already knows it because it says, would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart? Psalm 44:21, and it also says in 1 John 3:20b For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. With that being said now it is time to be honest to my brothers and sisters in Christ.
I have been going through some pretty nasty storms. I have felt that God left and just flat didn't care. Oh I went through the actions and I would feel him every now and then but oh how quickly I would forget those warm embraces of worship. Satan would whisper in my ear about how lonely I have been. About how I am worthless because I am not serving God and that God couldn't possibly want me anymore because I have been so angry at him. I have been a christian for 21 years now. I accepted Christ when I was 5 years old and have never doubted where I would spend eternity. I know God's love is amazing and I know that without him I couldn't have made it this far. I know that God's love is unconditional and that no matter what I can come home. Oh but heres the thing, even though I know all this I have been so dishonest with myself. I haven't wanted to admit that I was away from God. I didn't want to admit that I was struggling as deeply as I have been. Satan was winning. I wasn't picking up my bible to have my quiet time with my Father. I wasn't going to God in prayer. Oh I do pray with my kids every morning but that had become for their sake not necessarily mine. Like I said I was going through the actions at church and I would feel God right there next to me and I would reach out and touch him and then as soon as the service was over I would jerk my hand back and become even angrier because I felt that he should have never let go and just forced me to stay there. But oh how the truth came up to me. He never lets Go, Through the Calm and Through the Storm. I am the one who has been running and hiding because I didn't want to be honest. I am the one who allowed Satan to insert all those ridiculous thoughts in my head because I wasn't filling my head and my heart with the truth. Even though I didn't feel God I was still right there in his arms and He was just waiting for me to turn around and say "God you are my strength and I will praise you through it all!"
Now I am still not sure how to praise him even when I do get mad but I know now that my first step was this, Being honest with you and mostly with myself. The next has got to be to spend some time on my knees being Gut-wrenchingly honest and let my heart be opened to Him again. Third I HAVE to get back into his word and fill my heart with truths so that there is no more room for the lies that satan tries to fill my heart with.
Do you know what the best thing about all this is? I know without a doubt in my head that God has his arms wide open ready to embrace me and kiss my vomit covered head! I know that without any reservation as to what I have done, or allowed in my head, God has been patiently waiting for me to return home.
I am including the song and I hope that it touches someone else out there like it has touched me! I pray that in my honesty someone else has the Truth revealed to them that we serve an Awesome God who loves us and will NEVER leave us!
Hebrews 13:5 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
What an awesome promise we have from God!!!
Park City Utah
2 years ago
3 comments:
Hey, girl! Miss you and the kids....oh, and RC, too!
I have to take exception to your thoughts that you haven't been serving Him. I've had to struggle myself the past few months with the idea that raising my family is my reasonable act of service for this time in my life. It is the most important of my ministries right now.
Having three preschoolers and a first grader is not something that will stand forever. There will come a day when you don't change a diaper and your home is quiet. It won't be soon, but those days will last for a longer time than the ones you're living through now. I know it's hard to pull yourself out of bed each morning and grind through it again, but that is the Lord building a steadfast heart in you. He is reminding you to rely on him even though you think you know how to handle it all yourself.
Each diaper you change, each time you wipe a nose, each time you clean up the pukey mess, every dish you wash, each time you pray with your children, you are serving the Lord.
Having said that, get your butt out to communitybiblestudy.org and hook up with the McKinney/Allen CBS class. They meet on Thursdays at 9:30 a.m. at McKinney 1st Baptist Church. The class contact's name is Laura Wilson. Get on it, girl!
Love you lots!
Julie
Hi Brittney,
I always like getting insight into how you think and what you are up to, especially since you live so far away! But, I guess the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, (or state). When I read about you and your life I can get incredibly jealous. That is my satan - envy. Well, to be honest, I have more than one but that one's the biggest. There are times that I wish I were you with your family. I know that God is in your heart. There is too muck love you have for everyone, not to be. You often mention praying, and I think that your blog is also a ministry. People linked to you can see you pour your self into church, prayers, Christian songs, Bible verses, etc. Also, you never know who is reading and where they are in their walk with God. You have links to other's blogs and the links to theirs I am sure have non-Christians who read yours. I pray that God blesses you with what you need to stay strong and become even closer to Him.
Love always,
Elizabeth
How are things going now....
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